M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
