Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
