True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
