according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
