I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
