Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
