I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
