hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
