We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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