yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
