I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
