fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Is Oprah even human
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
