My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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