I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
