I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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