What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
