Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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