The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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