I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
