Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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