What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
