She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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