me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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