once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
