hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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