yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
