i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
