Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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