I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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