I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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