you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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