hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
