it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
