Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
