Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
