I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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