i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I faked an abortion last night.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
