He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
