you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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