Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
