I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
