My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
