I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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