A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
