dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
