the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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