I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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