Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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