I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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