Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
