Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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