so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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