So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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