I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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