so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
