whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
