You really coming over, don't trick.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
