Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
