It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Randomize
